AS I SEE IT
BY MARIANNE HERON
Decisions, decisions…. life is full of them, tea or coffee, walk or drive – mostly the mundane kind. Some of them are harder, like the ability to say ‘no’, something that we aren’t necessarily good at doing. The Presidential election provides interesting issues about saying ‘no’, as would-be candidates declare interest in running and then decide the contest is not for them.
These decisions can have far-reaching implications. Take Mairead McGuinness’ withdrawal from her position as favourite to succeed Michael D, one of only two confirmed candidates, the other being Catherine Connolly, TD. This ‘upset the apple tart’, as Bertie Ahern, a potential candidate who has yet to say ‘yes’, would put it. McGuinness, the former EU Commissioner, quit the contest citing medical grounds after a week’s stay in hospital, confounding many expectations and leaving Fine Gael in need of a new candidate.
Former Minister Heather Humphries, who previously said ‘no’ to running as she wanted to spend more time with family and friends, has now agreed to put herself forward for selection as a Fine Gael candidate, so too has MEP Sean Kelly. Promising Presidential hopeful Tony Holohan, who steered us through Covid, has now said ‘no’ to standing, among other considerations because he wants to protect his family from abuse which has included vile social media posts, like the one saying the sender was glad his late wife was dead.
Knowing when to say ‘no’ is an art which doesn’t come easily for most of us including presidential hopefuls. ‘Yes’ can seem easier but it may not be the right decision for us as individuals. Often concerns about what other people will think of us or the desire to please people get in the way of making the best choice for ourselves.
How often do we say ‘yes ‘ to a request out of a sense of obligation, only to regret the amount of time and energy involved and become resentful of the commitment? “Why ever did I let myself in for this?”
Being able to decline requests without guilt is a key theme in US journalist Damon Zahariades’ book The Art Of Saying No. He nails the ‘doormat dilemma’ of over-commitment by prioritising the needs of others over our own as part of the problem, with ‘people pleasers’ need for approval. The ability to be assertive and to have clear boundaries about requests, as well as being honest and direct, leads to healthier relationships, he maintains.
Easy to write, but not so easy to put into action, especially when we tend to care about what people think of us. “They will think that I am being selfish or mean if I say ‘no’,” goes our inner dialogue. Mel Robbins, author of a current best seller, has brisk advice on worry about other’s opinions. Her book Let Them is about her theory of that name which can be applied to key areas of life, including ‘“let them think bad thoughts about you”. Apparently we have around 70,000 thoughts a day which can’t be controlled and some of them are going to be negative.
“The truth is, people will have negative opinions of you and there is nothing you can do to change that fact. Let them. When you allow your fear of what other people will think to stop you from doing what you want to do, you have become a prisoner of other people’s opinions,” Robbins says.
It’s hard to for individuals to say ‘no’ and to admit that realisticallywe don’t have the stamina, the level of political awareness required for the Presidency or the rhino hide needed to withstand criticism, especially when hubris is urging them on.
The race for the Presidency is beginning to look like an overly large entry for the Grand National, as favourites fall and others – we maybe wish weren’t in the running – stay in the field against the odds, blind to the need to say ‘no’.
It’s a big ask for anyone to commit themselves and their family to the spotlight in the Aras for seven years and one where certain values, something we haven’t heard much about from hopefuls, are paramount. It’s an ask too that candidates should remind themselves about John F Kennedy’s words: ”Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country.”
