By Gerry Moran
In Britain staff are phoning their bosses to say they won’t be in work because they’ve been kidnapped by aliens! I swear. At least that’s what it said on the front page of one of the tabloids last week: ‘Can’t Get to Work Chief Ss I’ve Been Abducted by ALIENS!’
And who am I to disagree with a tabloid headline? A huge headline.
Anyway, staff were claiming they were snatched by extraterrestrials and needed time to recover. Some reckoned that they’d been experimented on by little green men (and why are aliens always little green men — are there no big blue ones out there and furthermore are there no little green women?).
Others claim they were taken away in UFOs. Apparently there’s been a huge spike in the number of out-of-this-world excuses for not reporting for work. Not quite sure how bosses are reacting to all this ET Sickness but most of them, I imagine, are seeing red over little green men. I know I would.
I mean what head of any organisation would accept such an excuse? And I can just imagine the following scenario:
Employee: “Morning, boss, sorry but I can’t make it in today.”
Boss: “Oh, sorry to hear that, are you feeling under the weather?”
Employee: “You could say that. I was abducted by aliens over the weekend and I’m feeling the worse for it.”
Boss: “Aliens, you say?”
Employee: “Aliens, boss, little green men actually.”
Boss: “And, pray tell. where and how this abduction happened.”
Employee: “I was coming home from the pub Saturday night…”
Boss: “The pub, you say?”
Employee: “My local, boss, I was feeling a bit the worse for wear and flagged down a taxi but, instead of a taxi. this saucer-shaped object swooshed down from the sky, a hatch opened and I was dragged inside.”
Boss: “Indeed. And what happened then? I mean where did they take you?”
Employee: “Don’t know, boss, it was very dark but I think I was breathalysed.”
Boss: “Breathalysed, you say?”
Employee: Well, they made me blow into some strange contraption and then they inserted a lot of tubes into my body.”
Boss: “Really! And into what parts of your body did they insert these tubes?”
Employee: “I’d rather not say, boss, but I’m still feeling sore. Very sore. I’ve taken a load of Panadol but to no effect. In fact I’m going to my GP this afternoon.”
Boss: “Great idea and you might get a sick cert from him while you’re there. Oh, and whatever you do don’t tell him what you’ve just told me or it’s not A&E you’ll end up in but the psychiatric ward.”
Employee: “Are you not believing me, boss?”
Boss: “Of course I believe you but I’ll believe you all the more when you drop in the sick-cert, the ET Sick-Cert.”
Now I don’t for one minute believe workers are being kidnapped, abducted, snatched whatever, by aliens. That said, I do, however, believe in aliens ie. I believe there are aliens out there. Lots and lots of them. And I believe that based simply on numbers. Consider the fact that there are 100 billion stars in our galaxy alone, ie. the Milky Way, and there are billions of galaxies in the known universe (and there could well be numerous universes!) To put it another way, there are more stars in the universe than all the grains of sand on all the beaches on earth! And try counting them! Now I’m not a gambling man but I’ll wager that there are millions of life-supporting (intelligent life even) planets orbiting those stars.
And there are two reasons why we haven’t had an actual close encounter with an alien yet:
1. They haven’t developed the technology to travel those massive, mega distances across space to visit earth (just as we haven’t).
2. They may have developed the technology and visited planet earth but took one look at us and said: “Let’s get the hell out of here. This crowd are still killing each other. They’re dangerous.” And we are. Meanwhile, if they are around, I don’t believe they abduct people, no need, as I have often stood in my back garden late at night, looked at the stars and said: “Aliens, if you’re out there beam me up, take me for a spin around the Solar System (but have me back in time for the Sunday Game).”
Unlike the abducted Brit workers — I’m still waiting!