“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o’er -wrought heart and bids it break.” There is so much wisdom in Shakespeare…he is so right about so many things human and grief is a major theme in so many of his plays.
We’ve all experienced grief at some time and if you haven’t yet…you will at some point in your life. It’s a natural reaction to loss and is mostly associated with the death of a beloved person or pet. This is not always the case, as it can follow any type of loss e.g., Divorce, redundancy, break-up etc. and we must never underestimate the effect that loss can have on another person. We are all different and have different levels of resilience.
Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross says that griefs stack up and our responses depend on our history of dealing with it. If you have been exposed to grief as a child and the situation was well handled by adults around, with appropriate responses and not too much drama, you will probably have a healthy grief response next time . If you were encouraged to share your feelings and your sadness as natural healers, you’ll acknowledge that life goes on. However, many people can and do suffer from what is called, “prolonged grief disorder.”
What is this? It is when a person has symptoms that include : intense yearning and obsession with the deceased, coupled with inability to function well and distress beyond expected norms including intense emotional pain, numbness, sense of meaninglessness, withdrawal, difficulty coming to terms with the loss etc … all of which can last for over a year. All these things are very challenging, depressing and debilitating for the person concerned, and loved ones can find such people difficult to penetrate. Especially if the deceased is a pet.
I recently heard Maynooth’s Prof. Philip Hyland, speaking about pet death and prolonged grief disorder as a very real thing. He said the medical profession accepts this diagnosis in relation to the death of a person but not of a pet. His research showed that those he interviewed re: pet loss had all lost at least one human and 1 in 5 said that the loss of their pet was THE most distressing.
Those who had experienced significant pet loss experienced huge grief but felt somewhat embarrassed by the magnitude of it and saw it as a “disenfranchised grief” because others were not recognizing the massive impact it had on their lives and, in trying to help, said things like, “Well, get another dog or cat ….”( or whatever the pet). Who would say to a grieving person “Well get another best friend?” the point.
The point is that our deep relationships with pets need to be acknowledged. I have had several dogs and cats in my life but there were 2 specifically who were my “soul mates” and others never came close to the bond I had with those two. Charlie, my dog was quite simply a big hearted angel in a dog costume! Puss on the other hand was a tough nut who talked to me and made me laugh! I shall never forget them and always felt slightly guilty that I didn’t love others quite as much!
So what do pets represent to us? Especially the elderly and kids. The list is long: companionship, devotion, loyalty, unconditional love, support, fun, joy, boundless affection, warm welcomes, security, acceptance, connection to nature, comfort, lack of judgement, stress relief and so much more.
Many people have found new leases of life because of significant animals e.g. Guide dogs for the blind, therapy dogs for the neuro-diverse, dogs who can sniff out cancers or tell their owners when they need medication or are about to have a diabetic or epileptic episode. There are rescue dogs on mountains and dogs who can locate survivors under rubble.
It’s not only dogs that have helped people…. Many creatures have. Eg dolphins, birds, horses, cats etc. and they all have feelings.
So, when a very beloved pet dies, especially if it has been part of a family for many years, we should never underestimate the grief felt by its humans. For many children, a pet death is often their first great loss and it’s essential to let them express their feelings, and participate in rituals of some description.
It’s essential that we help each other navigate life’s ups and downs and never underestimate the grief of another.
Death Café Fennelly’s of Callan Feb 7th 2pm.
