CHOICES SHAPE YOUR FUTURE
By Judith Ashton
Talking about sex does not make you pregnant! Talking about death does not kill you! Talking about such things is empowering and need not be taboo… so let’s start such conversations sooner than later. I’m a great believer in talking and learning as much as possible about the topics I am interested in and death is one of them.
People say that the Irish “Do death well” do they? Here there are traditions to do with death that are really excellent, including viewing a body, the traditional wake, community support and attendance at funerals. It’s excellent when compared to the UK where the funeral directors take the body away, it’s not customary to have open coffins and the local community support is unlike here. It’s more private and more family orientated.
The Irish way is better in that regard but both countries are like ostriches when it comes to talking about death. People often say they are prepared and by that they mean they have a will. Only 55% actually do and that is for after death. Fewer people have completed their Advance Healthcare Directives which are written instructions for medical wishes that you would like or refuse at the end of life if you no longer have the capacity to speak for yourself. Do you want to live at all costs regardless of your condition? Do you want resuscitation etc., or to be on life support?
None of us wish to think of these things but not thinking or speaking to family/friends can leave big decisions for loved ones who may themselves be stressed when making choices on your behalf.
What is a Death Café? It’s an informal meeting where people come together in a café to chat over tea and cake and ask questions or give information about death and dying. It gives people an opportunity to talk openly with others who have similar interests. Our society offers few such forums for sharing one’s experiences. Having said that, it is NOT a therapy session, it is not bereavement counselling.
There are Death Cafes taking place all over the world, over 10,000 have taken place in over 80 countries. They are not for profit, they make no recommendations, offer no solutions, are respectful of beliefs and people eat cake.
It can be an unexpected joy and relief to speak to strangers about death and dying and we all need to have such conversations whatever age we are. There is no guarantee that we will get old. That is a privilege as many die young. Death can be an inspiration for the way we live and how we wish to be remembered.
Death is our one common denominator. We are all heading in the same direction regardless of status or health. Life is precious and life can change at any moment. If we fully embrace this reality, life becomes ever more valuable. Death is part of life so we may as well face it, embrace it, talk about it and celebrate our families and friends whilst we can.
We have no control over where and when but we can make it easier for those we leave behind. As Cicerly Saunders, the founder of the UK hospice movement said, “The way we die, lives on with those we leave behind.”
Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross, also a great pioneer and advocate for the dying, wrote many seminal books on the subject which I can highly recommend and she encouraged people to deal with all unfinished business to ease the burden for loved ones. Planning and discussing death can make many things easier in the long run for others and can actually ease their grief and possible complex emotions like anger and guilt if they are left with lots to deal with.
A Death Café is actually an event and not a particular space. They can pop up anywhere! I will be facilitating one in Callan on Saturday 7th Feb at 2pm in Fennelly’s on Bridge Street and there will be lots of cake and refreshments, good, like-minded company who all wish to empower themselves with information relevant to death and dying. I’m sure there will be deep sharing, discussion and much inspiration to be had. There can also be unexpected joy and humour and it’s always a privilege to attend a Death Café. The agenda tends to emerge and is not imposed, freedom of expression is encouraged and confidentially is a prior agreement.
Let’s connect, support, encourage and inspire each other. See you there!
