By Gerry Moran
This week, a few jokes to tone up the facial muscles and have them in fine fettle for the Cat Laughs Comedy Festival which is almost upon us (June 2-4) Hopefully they’ll give you a laugh or at least bring a smile to your face. A smile, by the way, has huge benefits. Cosmetologists call smiling ‘face-building’ as it strengthens the muscles of the face, lowers stress levels, boosts the immune system and improves blood circulation which makes us look younger and more attractive! Damn it, we should always be smiling, except perhaps when we flood the kitchen or crash the car!
Anyway, here we go, and if you have heard them before what the hell – laugh again, smile again, your body will thank you for it.
The Three Little Pigs
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read: “And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said. ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house’?” The teacher paused then asked the class: “And what do you think the man said?” One little boy, a farmer’s son, raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly: “Miss. I think the man would have said ‘Well, I’ll be f***ed! A talking pig’!”
The teacher had to leave the room.
Tough At The Top!
A large steel company hired a new CEO to rid the company of slackers. On a tour of the factory, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall casually scrolling through his mobile phone while eating an apple. The room was full of workers and he wanted to show them that he meant business. He asked the guy: “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man said: “I make €400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said: “Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back and handed the guy €1,600 in cash and said “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.” Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO then asked: “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?” From across the room a voice said: “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
An American tourist, on a scuba diving trip off the coast of Kerry, asks the boat owner why scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats? To which the Kerry man replies: “If they fell forwards sure they’d still be in the bloody boat.”
Two drinking buddies were staggering home at two in the morning, one confides to the other: “God I hate getting in at this hour, easing off my shoes, sneaking up the stairs and crawling into bed, then the wife wakes up and nags me for ages”.
“Sneaking’s not the way to do it”, says his buddy as they stagger down the street. “Try slamming the front door, stomping up the stairs and yelling: ‘Hey, baby, let’s make love’. My wife always pretends she’s asleep.”
Ever since I was a child I’ve had a fear of someone being under my bed at night so I went to a shrink and told him. “Put yourself in my hands for a year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me once a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
‘“Eighty euro a visit,” replied the shrink. “I’ll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn’t you come see me about those fears?” he asked. “Well, €80 a visit, once a week for a year is a lot of money! A barman cured me for €10.”
“And how, may I ask, did a barman cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! There’s nobody under there now!!!”
Finally: You go to the ballet and see girls dancing on their tip-toes. Why don’t they just get taller girls?