By Judith Ashton
Many anxious parents await their precious offspring’s weekend return home from college with a mixture of trepidation and joy. It’s been their first foray out in the big wide world and you’re dying to know how they survived.
It’s a minefield out there and seasoned parents know that the most important thing to do, is to practice the noble art of listening, make time to be available, be interested, but not overly inquisitive about the new experiences their kids they are now living.
As parents, it’s helpful to know: 1. about listening skills, 2. the things that can block effective communication, 3. the importance of making quality time. 4. giving your full attention and 5. never interrupt!
The most important gift that you can give someone, is your undivided time and complete attention and often kids want to talk when you are occupied doing something else. One thing that I learned to say was, “I/we really want to hear about last week etc. but can’t give you my/our full attention right now because I/we am making the dinner etc…. and I/we can’t give you the attention you deserve, so let’s sit down/ go for a walk after dinner. (or a time that suits) and that way I / we can really listen because I’m/ we’re interested to hear what you have to say about being away from home etc”
Another great place for chatting is in the car with the proviso that there are no distractions and the phones are safely tucked away…
Many a late night back in the day, I sat with my lads when they were home from college, vaguely pretending to read a book or paper when they were checking e mails or whatever…. And often a chat started that would never have happened if I had not simply been present and available to listen… Late nights and a shared cup of tea, can be a great time for a heart to heart as long as you are not about to fall asleep , can maintain good eye contact and a fairly alert body posture!
As a parent, (who thinks they always know best!?) it’s important to refrain from interrupting or prematurely judging what you are hearing and try to respect the other’s points of view.
When a conversation starts, relax, take a few deep breaths and simply listen… be attentive and good eye contact will keep you connected as will the odd “mm” or “aha” sound!
Be aware of your breathing and allow there to be moments of silence…Don’t try to fill the spaces. These silent moments are often moments of reflection when insights or intuitions are percolating and remember to be aware of the other’s body language and what it might be telling you about them.
When asked for an opinion, a good response is, “That’s a great question…what do you think/feel about it?” This allows time to get a sense of where they may be coming from. Don’t offer too much unsolicited advice. If choices need to be made, a good question is, “How does your body feel about this one or that one?”
Always be grateful at the end of the chat that they have shared things with you and that they have trusted you. Remind them that you will always listen to whatever they may need to discuss.
Growing up and leaving home can be exciting and confusing. Academically, socially, sexually…. It’s all new. It’s a time of experimentation and expectations, heartbreak and pain. It can be everything simultaneously!
We’ve all been there. Many of the emotional highs and lows are the same whatever the generation, but so many other factors are completely alien.
Nowadays, young people are trying to make sense of a rapidly changing world full of opinions, global crises, climate anxiety, social media, drugs, A1 etc. etc. The list is long, and they are trying to figure out their place in it all. They are out there with no maps and often with little or no sense of direction, whilst all the time, trying to come to terms with who they are and what their place in this crazy world might be.
All kids need all the encouragement, love and support that we can give them, (and some slack too!) and we can only hope that they will always feel that home is a welcoming haven where they are accepted, loved and listened to whatever is on their minds.
www.beprepared.ie
