CHOICES SHAPE YOUR FUTURE
By Judith Ashton
Last year I met two American women in their hire car, looking for directions. I was in my front garden and we got chatting. Something compelled me to invite them in for a cuppa and before they were out of the car and in the front door we knew if we were married, divorced, single, separated, had kids , what we did etc and we laughed reflecting on the power of women to make deep informative connections in a short time and how men rarely do this. I ended up joining them on a road trip to the coast that day and still keep in touch!
Men are strange creatures when it comes to friendships and by friendships I mean real pals that they can pour their hearts out to, pals to cry with and to hug when they feel small and vulnerable. Without exception we can all feel small and vulnerable at times and need a shoulder to lean on.
I used to teach emotional resilience to children in National school and would always ask them if they wanted me to tell them a huge big fat lie! Invariably they were intrigued and when I said, “Big boys don’t cry” they had all heard it. It is a great big fat lie, because the exact opposite is true. Expressing feelings is a sign of strength not weakness and the reality is, “Better out than in!”
“A guy needs somebody to be near. A guy goes nuts if he ain’t got nobody. Don’t make no difference who the guy is, long’s he’s with you. I tell ya, I tell ya a guy gets too lonely an’ he gets sick.” John Steinbeck
Women talk face to face, we express ourselves and tell our confidantes our deepest fears and secrets…Often when I meet certain friends I say, “ How are you? Tell me how are you really?” I’m not looking for the: “F.I.N.E.” answer, which can mean: F frightened, I insecure, N nervous, E emotional , but the “Let’s share what’s going on and see where it leads.”
When you reach a depth contact with another person you inevitably feel seen, heard, understood, less alone with your worries and closer to one another. Women are good at this and I have a little poster in my kitchen that reads, “Good friends are cheaper that a psychiatrist!” which is true.
All the self-development groups and activities are invariably 99% women of whatever ages. Women know what supports they need and enjoy and know where to look be it yoga, meditation, Pilates, art, book clubs etc. What is it with men? Is it their own fault that they have problems of loneliness and isolation? I suspect they could make a bit more effort.
There are certain initiatives like Men’s Sheds where the motto is, “Men speak to each other shoulder to shoulder.” Eg when they are working on a project whereas women talk
face to face. Research shows that men who attend such places report fewer feelings of isolation and some improvement in health issues which can only be positive and it’s good for them.
Recent research in the UK showed that men had friends in school and in college and fewer friends as they got older, fewer after marriage and kids and less when kids left home. Their significant relationship was their partner. For many women I know, this is a pressure for them, especially after partner retires. They feel they are carrying the emotional load, they don’t feel nourished in the relationship and find support in their women friends. Many women are bored in their marriages to men who have not developed emotionally or who are unable to relate to their wives’ needs and feelings. Many marriages are made up of two lonely people who become increasingly isolated from each other. She gets her emotional nourishment from her circles of women friends, and he talks sport, watches the match, plays golf or goes to the pub!
We are witnessing an international phenomenon: UK, USA, Canada, Japan, Australia, where the divorce rate for over 60s, “grey divorce” tripled since 1990 with approximately 15% of folks 65+ divorcing in 2022. This trend is rising. Divorce rates over 50s has doubled. People are living longer and less willing to spend their final decades in unfulfilling or stagnant marriages, when kids leave couples often find they have little in common.
Happy International Women’s Day girls, let your light shine and take a listen to Annie Lennox : ”Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves”.
