CHOICES SHAPE YOUR FUTURE
By Judith Ashton
Whatever happened to good manners? I often wonder whether we have become so absorbed in our own lives that we’ve forgotten how to treat others. We have more ways of communicating than any generation before us, yet I sometimes question whether we have become any better at communicating with kindness, courtesy and respect.
Am I old-fashioned to believe good manners matter? Not the stiff, formal manners of a bygone era, but the simple, everyday courtesy that acknowledges the existence and worth of other human beings. “Manners maketh man!” – Shakespeare.
Saying please and thank you, holding a door open, offering a smile or a seat, listening when someone speaks, or apologising when we have caused offence are small gestures. They cost us nothing.
I find it shocking that we have become increasingly tolerant of rudeness and social aggression, often in shared spaces, e.g. public transport, parks, beaches, dropping litter, listening to music without headphones, or talking loudly on their phones, etc.
Have we become afraid of calling others out because of a fear of aggression?
I am particularly concerned about the way some people behave towards those who have little power or status, e.g. towards foreigners, waiters, cleaners, shop assistants or elderly people; and shockingly, nurses and doctors often report aggression in emergency departments. Not to mention the way some men refer to women.
Good manners are not about social class. They are about character and reveal more about a person than their job title, bank balance or professional achievements. It is easy to be polite when we want to impress. The real test is how we behave towards someone from whom we have nothing to gain. Domestic abusers are very often insecure and emotionally immature.
Some cowards on social media wouldn’t insult someone directly, but routinely make cruel personal attacks online. Has shaming become normalised? Especially if we see powerful politicians bullying others without consequences?
Are we in danger of losing the simple understanding that we are all human beings, and everyone deserves a basic level of consideration?
Bad manners tell much about people who belittle others to feel big and powerful. Were they belittled or shamed as children to behave in such a way as adults?
Do we spend too much time teaching children how to succeed and not enough time teaching them how to treat others? We worry about education, examination results and future careers, but shouldn’t we give equal importance to kindness, empathy and consideration?
Children learn by watching and imitating and can’t be expected to be respectful if they regularly see adults behaving rudely, using bad language, dismissing others or treating people as though they don’t matter. If we want a more considerate society, we must all model the behaviours we wish to observe.
Bullying and insulting are not signs of strength, quite the opposite! Consideration and awareness of others is a wise skill to cultivate. Every society is shaped by the behaviour it tolerates and the values it practices. The USA was once upheld as a model to aspire to. Is this still true?
Are we losing our way as a society? Are we becoming ultra self-absorbed and careless about our responsibilities to one another? Many folks demand respect but don’t always practice it, they demand attention but become impatient when others don’t give it to them. They expect to be listened to but are unable to listen.
With awareness, our society can improve. If we have forgotten the simple truth, “Do as you would be done by!”, perhaps it is time we learned it again.
We don’t need to return to the past, because past generations were not always more considerate than our own. Every age had its share of blindness, selfishness and bad behaviours. I don’t believe rudeness is simply a sign of modern life, or that courtesy is an outdated virtue.
We can’t change the world, but we can change how we relate to others. We can offer a kind word instead of a ratty response, listen rather than interrupt, acknowledge someone’s efforts, and remember that apologising is not a weakness but an act of maturity.
Am I old-fashioned for believing that good manners matter? If being old-fashioned means treating others with kindness rather than meanness, and being considerate is better than selfishness, and respecting everyone is important, then I am quite happy to be that way.
The measure of a person is not how important they believe they are, but how they make others feel. “It’s nice to be important, but more important to be nice.” – Duster Bennett.
