THE LAST WORD
By Pat Coughlan
Just days out from the US Presidential election let’s take a satirical look at what might be happening at the rival campaign headquarters as the votes come in.
In the busy offices of opposing campaign teams, the excitement around the election is increasing. Balloons float around, representing high hopes that seem to reduce as time passes. An intern jokingly asks how often the predictions will change today. Another intern predicts perhaps three more changes before lunchtime. Anxious team members hold large coffee cups. A campaign manager remarks they have taken an extra shot of espresso, just to be prepared. There is a mixture of nervous laughter and quiet conversations as optimism clashes with anxiety.
In the busy campaign office, there is a lot of energy. Julia, the fifth intern, jokingly calls the unopened champagne “aspirational decor” and adds: “One day, we’ll open these!” Sam smiles awkwardly as glitter-confetti accidentally goes off again, covering a desk with sparkle. The speechwriting team is revising drafts with enthusiasm. “No, that doesn’t capture the message,” Marco insists. Amy lets out a sigh, adding another draft to the discarded pile, thinking they need to start over.
As the event approaches, the headquarters are filled with technological challenges. The Wi-Fi is constantly disconnecting, causing frustration among the team. One person humorously suggests that the internet is working against them as they refresh their screen repeatedly.
Phone reception is just as poor, with a volunteer loudly asking if they can be heard while searching for a better connection. Competing advertisements disrupt the livestream, creating some unexpected humour. Despite these obstacles, the volunteers manage their tasks with determination and impressive composure.
As the last hours approach, the campaign headquarters are busy and offer some comfort. The smell of pizza fills the room, providing much-needed energy for those who have given up on healthy meals. Emily, the communications director, eats a slice of pepperoni pizza and remarks: “Calories on election night don’t count, right?” The abundant pizza boxes and numerous empty coffee cups help power the team, mixed with moments of laughter and brief attempts at relaxation.
As time passes, the headquarters turn increasingly busy. Music plays while Mark suggests that Eye Of The Tiger is suitable, and Sarah responds with We Will Rock You’ as a better choice.There is no mention of Southern Man or Hometown Alabama.
Volunteers receive encouragement through notes. Keyboards make noise as Jessica says: “There are more figures to analyse,” while typing quickly. Chris occasionally sighs, showing signs of fatigue. Volunteers sing quietly, imagining success as the mix of music and work creates a unique environment.
As time progresses, there is a mix of hope and urgency in the atmosphere. The air feels electric, and the tension is noticeable as results come in, possibly indicating success or failure. The scene resembles a lively event where opposing groups exchange glances. There are jokes about “apocalypse bingo” and “wild optimism”. Despite this, a sense of togetherness remains, with a collective hope that the future could bring significant change.
As the election night unfolds, we are captivated by its unpredictability. Jane watches the screen in disbelief, while Tom laughs. Their shared laughter reflects the essence of democracy. Slogans disappear, leaving behind a sense of comedic disorder. A volunteer hesitantly types, “Is anyone else feeling anxious?” Another person responds: “Welcome to politics!” As the vote counts come through, we accept the chaos with a smile, recognising that humour keeps us interested.
Not much different to a Kilkenny election?
