THE FACT OF THE MATTER
BY PAUL HOPKINS
My bugbear are the hordes of men who don shorts at the first sign of the clock going forward. More specifically men over a certain age, an age when they really should know better, who assail my senses with visions of knobbly knees, bow legs or flat feet, pot-bellied or worse, attired in shorts of all shades and shapes that do nothing to enhance their standing in the community.
Here’s my rationale: if we men are planning on making a century, then the age of 50 is a speed hump we just have to get over. It’s like surviving a Wednesday during the working week; you can crawl under your office desk and sob, or you can be a man and face your demons.
The best knack to getting over the middle of your life is to do it with as much grace and elegance as possible. Problem is, grace and elegance seem to be bygone words in the era of the perpetual ‘kidult’. In days of old, teenage boys looked up to their fathers and tried to emulate them, Nowadays, it’s the other way around, with fathers trying to be like their teenage sons.
Okay, okay, I admit it: I have a pair of torn jeans somewhere at the back of the wardrobe and I have a collection of Converse footwear that would have been the envy of Imelda Marcos but I draw the line at donning on this island, save on the beach, in the main because our post-clockforward days are never that hot or the days are never one long ray of sunshine to merit such but mainly because I know that, being of a certain age, and, unfortunately flatfooted, I would look bloody ridiculous.
I see such men every day poncing about in their shorts at the shops, on the bus, in the pub and they look ridiculous if not downright ugly.
I am not alone in my thinking. Fashion designer Tom Ford says men in shorts are “disgusting” and “repulsive,” and they look “ridiculous, like children” in them.
Yes, I do have a pair of shorts, heavy khaki, cargo style, but I only use them if down the Costa del What- ever or, more likely, in my beloved Africa where, in bush or on beach, they seem at home. Shorts are not at home with the pot-bellied, red-faced, 50-something in a string vest, having a latte at the pop-up coffee shop.
Come on lads, you are big boys now and big boys don’t wear short pants in places of industry, culture and sophistication. If it’s a hot Irish day, find yourself a pair of light cotton chinos, or linen trousers. And as for cut-off jean shorts? Just no. Plain no. Stop it now, please.
Here’s an interesting snippet: in 1939, a Gallup poll asked about 1,500 people the following (now, politically incorrect) question: “Do you think it is all right for women to wear shorts on the street?”
A total of 1,020 said no.
Oops, this just in: the number of men seeking cosmetic surgery treatment is on the rise in Ireland according to private health- care search engine, WhatClinic.com. Popular treatments include male breast reduction, liposuction as well as facelifts.
OMG…
This also just in: hoodies, base-ball caps and skinny jeans should never be worn by men over the age of 40, according to a new study.
When I had hit the wrong side of 50 and was wearing torn jeans and a base-ball cap back to front, my daughter said: “Dad, don’t be daft. You think you’re cool, a legend, but… “
Then I went to one of her parties and, man, did I cringingly dance the night away and discussed Elbow, the opening of the local Nando’s, re-runs of SATC (if you don’t know, don’t bother asking) and the merits of social networking.
Some days later the same daughter said to me: “My friends think you are a legend … now the girls in my new job can’t wait to meet you …’’
“Neither can,” I said, “neither can I…“
Out of earshot.
Naturally…
