FURTHERMORE
By Gerry Moran
Straightway let me say that no one, but no one, wants to insult anyone. And no one wants to be insulted. That said – life is no bed of roses or hydrangeas for that matter – s**t happens, insults fly and occasionally we are at the receiving end of those put-downs which is why, dear readers, this week I have compiled a list of some responses to help you retaliate to any insults that may be fired, thrown, tossed, or launched at you.
You may well want to cut them out and keep them in your wallet or back pocket for that occasion when you are ambushed by some scud, for want of a better word, insult.
But first – a small point, an important point actually – there is a hell of a difference between insulting and slagging. Most of us natives know that and understand that. Non-natives, however, are not as attuned to the subtleties of slagging and may wrongly interpret it as insulting – as did my American friend who was visiting some years back.
I brought him to my local to give him a true flavour of Irish life. Well, we were barely in the door when the ‘wag’ in the corner (a drinking colleague of mine) spouts out: “Moran, you ‘gobdaw’, such s**te you were writing in the paper last week.” My friend was appalled by this verbal ‘assault’ and wanted to know what a ‘gobdaw’ was. Oh dear. I was never asked that question in my entire life for the simple reason that we all know what a ‘gobdaw’ is, don‘t we? Having defined ‘gobdaw’, a fool, an idiot, whatever, I failed miserably to explain slagging. He just couldn’t get his head around it. And if perchance anyone out there cannot differentiate between the two: slagging and insulting – you need to get out more, a lot more, preferably to the pub – the hotbed, the nursery, of slagging.
Meanwhile, here’s that list, keep it handy for you know not the hour, nor the day (nor, more likely, the night) that you might need to deploy these defensive ‘missiles’. Oh, and do so with caution!
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
*****
Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
*****
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
*****
You possess an intellect rivalled only by garden tools.
*****
I refuse to enter a battle of wits with you. It’s against my morals to attack an unarmed person.
*****
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
*****
I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
*****
I’d describe you as dark and handsome – when it’s dark you’re handsome.
*****
People like you don ‘t grow on trees – you swing from them.
*****
Sorry, I was just trying to imagine you with a personality.
*****
You’d lose an argument with an inanimate object.
*****
Have a nice day – somewhere else.
*****
What do you want to do – if you grow up?
*****
I am not going deaf – I am ignoring you.
*****
I don’t know what makes you so stupid but it really works.
*****
I don’t want to spoil a pleasant day by talking to you.
Finally, a missive from a cousin of mine, (a tad older than me) entitled: A Bit of Fun:
* When one door closes and another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
* To me ‘drink responsibly’ means don’t spill it.
* Age 60 might be the new 40 but 10 p.m. is the new midnight.
* The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
* When I say ‘the other day’ I could be referring to any time between yesterday and five years ago.
* If you’re sitting on a public bench and a stranger sits next to you, stare straight ahead and say: “Did you bring the money?”
* When you ask me what I am doing today and I say ‘nothing’ it does not mean that I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
* I finally got eight hours of sleep; it took me three days but what the hell …
Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. Instead spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you out
My luck is like a bald guy winning a comb in a raffle
Thanks, Lil.
