FURTHERMORE
By Gerry Moran
It’s that time of year again – exam time – and straight away may I wish all you students oceans of calmness, confidence and, all going well, correct answers, not like the following answers purportedly from actual exams, which I hope give you all a giggle at this stressful time (and for Godsake don’t use a sentence this long in your English essay).
Oh, and if you’re the religious type (and even if you’re not) you might care to mutter an aspiration, or two, to St Joseph of Cupertino, the Patron Saint of Examinations, or to St Jude, the Patron saint of Hopeless Cases. Or both. The more the merrier. Right?
Biology, Chemistry & Physics
Q. What is a fibula? A. A little lie.
Q. What does ‘terminal illness’ mean? A. When you become ill at the airport.
Q. What happens to your body when taking a breath? A. Your chest gets bigger.
Q. What is a nitrate? A. It is much cheaper than a day rate.
Q. Many people don’t like eating radiation treated food. How could a food scientist prove that radiation treated food is safe? A. By eating some.
Q. How could live near a mobile phone mast cause illness? A. You might walk into it.
Geography & History
Q. Explain what is meant by the term ‘pastoral farming.´ A. It’s a farm run by vicars.
Q. The race of people known as Malays comes from which country? A. Malaria.
Q. Which artificial waterway runs between the Mediterranean and Red seas? A. The sewage canal.
Q. Name Abraham Lincoln’s greatest achievement? A. Having his head carved in rock.
Q. What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common. A. Unusual names.
Q. What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar’s death? A. Suspicious ones.
Maths & English
Q. Steve is driving his car. He is travelling 60 feet per second. The speed limit is 40 mph. Is Steve speeding? A. He could find out by checking his speedometer.
Q. There are 300 students in Leaving Cert class. Mary and Mark want to find out their favourite colour. Mary asks 30 people. Mark asks 150 people. Mark says: “My conclusions are more likely to be reliable than Mary’s”. Why does Mark think he is right. A. Because Mark is a man.
Q. How does Romeo’s character develop throughout the play? A. It doesn’t, it’s just self, self, self all the way through.
Q. How much is Romeo to blame for what happens at the end of ‘Romeo & Juliet’? A. He is completely to blame. He’s an alpha male and he’s named after a car.
Business & Computer Studies
Q. Explain the phrase ‘free press”. A. When your mother irons your trousers for you.
Q. Joan prepared well for her interview. How might she have prepared? A. Had a bath and put on her lucky pants.
Q. Suggest two advantages for shopping on-line. A. 1) You don’t have that horrible ‘it doesn’t fit’ moment in the fitting room 2) You can do it in your pjamas.
Q. Suggest an advantage to video-conferencing. A. You can’t smell bad breath via video.
World’s easiest quiz!
And while I’m on questions and answers see how many of these questions you can answer
(Passing requires four correct answers; you may have come upon them before but, be warned, they‘re tricky. Very tricky)
1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI’s first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Answers
1) 116 years 2) Ecuador 3) Sheep and Horses 4) November 5) Squirrel fur 6) Dogs 7) Albert 8) Crimson 9) New Zealand 10) Orange
